Like so many of you I have lived too long thinking I had to be superwoman. Apparently, it is the shame of women that we do not DO enough, despite that 70% of us are single parents, despite that, post credit crunch, we supply more than half the workforce, I could go on. The point is, we are now unhappier than our male counterparts, 60 years ago when only a few of us worked part time, it was the other way around. I conclude only to simplify my own life.
I have recently published my first book, the self-will and determination that took while still running my hypnosis business, looking after parents, daughter, guests in my home was enough to wear me out – boof! I got an energetic kick in the teeth. A few weeks later while in Turkey for a friend’s wedding, normally a time to enjoy and recoup, I got worse. I realised this was so much more than my typical overwork burn-out. The physical manifestation was UTIs – 3rd one and I just could not face another course of anti-biotics. I felt really confused, not realising then that UTIs could actually make you delusional. I started self-abusing: smoking, it must have been 15 years since I was a smoker and I only drank on the odd occasion, but there I was back into addict mode – I just couldn’t understand it and was in a spiritual dessert.
I asked my new guru, google and apparently it is very common in the case of autoimmune issues, that what is happening physically is also happening spiritually. The person is under assault against themselves. They can struggle with deep self-rejection combined with self-hate, but it often hides under the surface. In women the self-rejection comes out of a lack of being loved properly, usually from a father or another significant male in their life that has left them with an unhealed broken heart. Because of this, one can struggle with constant insecurity as to who they are. They are conflicted in their identity and self-worth. They are accused in their thoughts, so guilt becomes a constant motivator in their life.
It resonated. I had become expert at covering up self-hatred and self-rejection with performance and driven-ness. I kept up a good facade, giving everyone the impression that things were good, when I was struggling inside. It was hard for me to express hardship and struggle without going into self-pity and self-loathing. I overcompensated for this by striving and doing more; never coming to peace with just being a child of the universe. At first these realisations left me overwhelmed. I’d been that way since maybe 8 or 9 years old. How on earth could I change that now? I was tired, what could I do?