A Road Less Traveled: Self-Hatred to Self-Love, A Woman’s Perspective 

Young woman tourist enjoys the ocean view in Mt Maunganui, New Zealand

Like so many of you I have lived too long thinking I had to be superwoman. Apparently, it is the shame of women that we do not DO enough, despite that 70% of us are single parents, despite that, post credit crunch, we supply more than half the workforce, I could go on.  The point is, we are now unhappier than our male counterparts, 60 years ago when only a few of us worked part time, it was the other way around. I conclude only to simplify my own life.

 

I have recently published my first book, the self-will and determination that took while still running my hypnosis business, looking after parents, daughter, guests in my home was enough to wear me out – boof! I got an energetic kick in the teeth. A few weeks later while in Turkey for a friend’s wedding, normally a time to enjoy and recoup, I got worse. I realised this was so much more than my typical overwork burn-out. The physical manifestation was UTIs – 3rd one and I just could not face another course of anti-biotics. I felt really confused, not realising then that UTIs could actually make you delusional. I started self-abusing: smoking, it must have been 15 years since I was a smoker and I only drank on the odd occasion, but there I was back into addict mode – I just couldn’t understand it and was in a spiritual dessert.

 

I asked my new guru, google and apparently it is very common in the case of autoimmune issues, that what is happening physically is also happening spiritually. The person is under assault against themselves. They can struggle with deep self-rejection combined with self-hate, but it often hides under the surface. In women the self-rejection comes out of a lack of being loved properly, usually from a father or another significant male in their life that has left them with an unhealed broken heart. Because of this, one can struggle with constant insecurity as to who they are. They are conflicted in their identity and self-worth. They are accused in their thoughts, so guilt becomes a constant motivator in their life.

 

Phew!

 

It resonated. I had become expert at covering up self-hatred and self-rejection with performance and driven-ness. I kept up a good facade, giving everyone the impression that things were good, when I was struggling inside. It was hard for me to express hardship and struggle without going into self-pity and self-loathing. I overcompensated for this by striving and doing more; never coming to peace with just being a child of the universe. At first these realisations left me overwhelmed. I’d been that way since maybe 8 or 9 years old. How on earth could I change that now? I was tired, what could I do?

I needn’t have worried, the magical universe was on the case long before I ever twigged on. What happened is that the year before publishing The Me I Want To Be someone asked me to write the story of my life as a young model. When I sent them the outline the said I hadn’t dug deep enough. I didn’t know how. I did not feel myself to be a victim and I’m certainly no apologist but other than that I had never really thought about the why that lay underneath my life as a glamour model. I told them I wasn’t ready and that I intended to publish The Me I Want To Be first.

 

I did and meanwhile I thought to myself I’ll figure out the underbelly of my next story…. Well, exactly, you know what happens when you place your order with the cosmos! The emotional roller-coaster described above began. I realised, not only that I had the underbelly of the story but that I absolutely HAD to write it. If as my friend, Robert suggested that book needs to be a movie, how does this sound:

 

“Vicki” is a time document ranging from 1956 to today. The true story of a young runaway who overcame, rape, made her way through gangster run Soho of the 1970s into a career as a page three girl and Monroe lookalike.  A broken heart left her fluctuating between stardom, drugs and despair and when she hit rock bottom a spiritual experience changed her life.

Returning to her native Scotland 1987 she completed a law degree while on Methadone, moved into teaching fitness and immersed herself in various spiritual development systems, therapeutic and personal development approaches, culminating in qualifying as a psychotherapist. She married and had one daughter. Vicki currently lives alone hosting a passing community of guests and travellers, practicing as a psychotherapist and healer, she has written a book THE ME I WANT TO BE

 

I know I am not the only woman who has weaponised and traded off her sexuality, but I also know I cannot write this next piece without knowing how YOU feel too. How do we feel about the things that we have grown to accept, think about as normal, not even realise are wrong? That was what happened to me. During that fateful trip to Turkey I blabbed out to my girlfriends: “That was when 3 guys raped me when I was fourteen” – the penny only dropped as I looked at the expression on their faces.

 

What have you been accepting that just isn’t right?

Immunity Toner~

 

1 tsp. finely grated lemon rind

1 tbls Turmeric powder

100 grams organic honey

2 tbls apple cider vinegar

Pinch black pepper

Mix Turmeric powder, apple cider vinegar & black pepper in a bowl, add lemon rind and finally the honey

 

Pop it in a jar in the fridge & take 1 tablespoon every morning & wait for it to melt, wait before you drink water.

1 Comment

  1. Catherine Scott-Temple says:

    Thank-you Vicki..for reminding me..through your writing..your honesty..what ‘courage’ is..xx

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